Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Vin Diesel Fact of the Week

Vin Diesel is actually a highly intelligent planarian. As such, he poops out of his mouth, can be cut into pieces, and each piece will grow into a complete Vin Diesel.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Reason You May Be an Asshole

You have ever offered diet, exercise, or lifestyle advice as though you were an expert on it because you watch Biggest Loser.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Friday, December 17, 2010

Angelina Jolie Fact of the Week

Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton broke up because he believed she was trying to eat his soul. Angelina swore that she just liked to drug him and chew on his head.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Vin Diesel Fact of the Week

When relaxing in his backyard mud pit, Vin Diesel has many small, symbiotic birds that pick at his head to keep him free of ticks and mites.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Angelina Jolie Fact of the Week

Angelina Jolie has four, hidden breasts going down her front that only become enlarged and full of milk when she's near small, starving children.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Vin Diesel Fact of the Week

When having an orgasm, Vin Diesel screams "Thunder, thunder, thunder, Thundercats, Hoooooooo!"

Friday, November 12, 2010

Angelina Jolie Fact of the Week

Angelina Jolie qualified for every track event in the 2004 Summer Olympics. She was barred from competing because, even though she came in first, male audience members kept coming in 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, and 6th.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Game of Life Rules of the Week

White Rules:

Gangsta Rap must be played during the game at all times, since only rich white kids seem to be listening to it.

Every spin, you have to pay the lowest bidder to spin for you, since white people can't do anything. Other players will bid to spin. ANYTHING can be bid.

Every player must go to college, but must spin evens or odds after their spin to determine if they move forwards or backwards, since white kids never get it right the first time. (If stuck in college for more than fifteen turns, Daddy buys you out and you auto-graduate with a C-average.)

Every player must select three house cards at random and select the most expensive house they get, even if they have to take out loans for it, because white people utterly, desperately, absolutely need the biggest house that they can get.

If any player is a minority, white players must never be within three squares of his or her car, since white people are afraid of anyone who doesn't look like them. The minority player also becomes the landscaper, nanny, and spinner for any white players.

The minority player is paid 1% of the value of white people's houses on every pay day by the white players. The minority player is paid $100 per child from all white players. The minority player must be paid 10$ times the spin number.

The minority player cannot take out loans, but can choose to go to college at any point in the game and then return to their previous spot.

If everyone is a minority, either choose based on the group (i.e. if someone is white in a group of blacks, the white plays the minority) or randomly select a minority based on spin.

All white players must talk shit about someone when he/she is in the bathroom.

Vin Diesel Fact of the Week

The reflection off of Vin Diesel's head has caused multiple wildfires. As such, he has been banned from California.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Angelina Jolie Fact of the Week

In celebration of Cinco de Mayo, Angelina Jolie announced the adoption of all of Mexico.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Angelina Jolie Fact of the Week

Angelina Jolie never puts gas into her car. It just goes from excitement at being touched by her. It was once measured to go 0-60 before she got into it.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Vin Diesel Fact of the Week

Vin Diesel thinks headphones are for pussies. He duct tapes guitarists to his head.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Vin Diesel Fact of the Week

Vin Diesel doesn't have hair. He has small muscles which have been forced out by the larger muscles.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Vin Diesel Fact of the Week

While it's been noted before that Vin Diesel looks like a penis, a recent study by biologists at the University of Seoul confirmed that he more specifically looks like the penis of a Northern Minke Whale.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Angelina Jolie Fact of the Week

In a fit of self-righteous rage, Angelina Jolie once burned down a Babies R' Us because she thought they were selling children before she had a chance to adopt them.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Vin Diesel Fact of the Week

Vin Diesel wasn't born. After nine months, he stood up, lifted his mother off of him, ate his umbilical cord and left to get a job in construction.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Reason You May Be an Asshole

You criticize the designers on Project Runway like you know what you're talking about.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Vin Diesel Fact of the Week

Vin Diesel celebrated New Year's Eve by beating someone to death with his head.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Vin Diesel Fact of the Week

When Vin Diesel runs, the sound of his testicles knocking together makes people think a horse is galloping past.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Angelina Jolie Fact of the Week

Angelina Jolie just saved a bunch of money on her car insurance by eating her insurance agent.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Sexist Vintage Ads

Vintage Ads is running a contest to vote on the the most sexist ad EVER...!.,...

They've narrowed it down to five contestants, with five perhaps being the most blatant. It's an anti-suffrage ad, and while the others were entertaining, that one just depressed me.

I posted my favorite above. Look at it! It doesn't make any sense! The actual advertisement is a total non sequiter from the sexism at the start. Did the ad meeting actually go,

"Ya know, Steve. This ad is missing something."
"I Agree, Tom!"
"That's it! We need something sexist in it! It just seems incomplete without it. No need to work at it. Just bolt it on."
"At the start or the end?"
"At the beginning. If we put it at the end, we might be forced to do real work."

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Vintage Ad

Oh thank you, thank you! Thank you, hilariously stereotypical African man for curing my... constipation?

Reason You May be An Asshole

You have more than three pieces of IKEA furniture in your house. One was a gift, one was a mistake, and the last was there when you moved in.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Vin Diesel Fact of the Week

By flexing, Vin Diesel can turn his glistening abdominal muscles into a parabolic mirror and thus cook potatoes with the sun.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Vin Diesel Fact of the Week

When Vin Diesel's jaw gets tired from Grape Nuts without milk, he relaxes by munching on nails.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Saturday, June 19, 2010

The Game of Life Rules of the Week

Jewish Rules: All loans are interest free and only pay 50% of taxes, since Jews own all the banks.

All players must go to college. All players must take out a loan and buy stock at the beginning of the game because parents say it's a good investment.

Car insurance costs $50,000 because everyone is driving a Mercedes. All car related incidents cost 2x.

No one can be an artist, athlete or entertainer because only meshugines become those.

Spin a 10 and player gets sinus infection in giant nose, pay $5,000 in medical bills.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Reason You May be An Asshole

When you walk past the Salvation Army bell-ringers you act like you don't see them, there's something really interesting on the ground, or have a fake cellphone conversation.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Blow in Her Face

Man! If only I had known that to get a girl all I had to do was blow it in her face. All this time.

Angelina Jolie Fact of the Week

Angelina Jolie could win the Annual Nathan's Hot Dogs Eating Contest if she wanted, but she feels bad for small, slanty-eyed people, so she lets that Japanese guy win.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Vin Diesel Fact of the Week

Working with Habitat For Humanity, Vin Diesel once nailed together the frame of a house with his head.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Vin Diesel Fact of the Week

Vin Diesel doesn't shave his head. By flexing his muscles he squeezes his hairs into a fine powder that is ejected through a blow hole-like apparatus.

Angelina Jolie Fact of the Week

When Angelina Jolie says jump, you say nothing as you're knocked unconscious by her lower lip.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Monday, April 26, 2010

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Vin Diesel Fact of the Week

By flexing his muscles very hard, Vin Diesel is able to bend light around him, thus rendering himself invisible.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Reason You May Be an Asshole

During the summer, you have a Chem-Lawn truck in front of your house more than zero times.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Angelina Jolie Fact of the Week

Angelina's sweat, tears, blood, hair, and farts have all been canned and sold as aphrodisiacs.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Vin Diesel Fact of the Week

The shine on Vin Diesel's head is possible thanks to frequent uses of a bowling ball polisher.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Angelina Jolie Fact of the Week

The noise Angelina makes to display interest in a possible mate was recorded for the pterodactyls in Jurassic Park III.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

The Game of Life Rules of the Week

Obese rules: Spin a 10, have a heart attack, pay $10,000 in medical bills. Spin two tens in a row, die, player must leave game.

If and when a player reaches the end they must spin to determine late-life health issues.

1: Peripheral edema. Pay $10,000 for wheelchair and $50,000 in medical bills.
2: Kidney Failure. Pay $100,000 for dialysis.
3: Go blind. Pay $25,000 for seeing-eye dog.
4: Chronic gas. Family and friends abandon you. Pay $30,000 for antidepressants.
5: Knees give out. Pay $10,000 for physical therapy and $50,000 for surgery.
6: Get a bit over-zealous at the dinner table. Pay $75,000 to have bowl of wax fruit excised from throat.
7: Chronic diarrhea. Pay $25,000 for industrial strength Imodium AD.
8: Diabetic Blindness. Pay $150,000 to fix the walls you keep walking through.
9: Pay $350,000 to have three dead cats, two chairs, a futon, two microwaves, 214 pounds of uneaten Elios Pizza, your nephew, a 1981 Toyota, 13 shoes, a toothbrush, $418.86 in coins, someone you've never met, and a fully functioning McDonalds removed from your fat rolls.
10: Heart explodes. Player wills everything to other players.

Spin two 9s, suffer a diabetes-related drop in blood sugar, pay $50,000 in medical bills.

Spin an 8, hire a personal trainer, pay $5,000. Spin two 8's in a row, over-exert yourself and suffer a massive heart attack. Lose next turn as you recuperate and pay $50,000 in medical bills. Player can opt to sue the personal trainer for medical bills plus $50,000 in emotional distress. Spin odds to win lawsuit. If evens, pay $10,000 in legal fees.

Spin two 7s, get stuck in own car, pay Police $50,000 to be set free.

Spin two 6s, crush couch under extreme girth. Pay $50,000 to have couch fragments surgically removed from asshole.

Spin two 5s, get stuck in doorway to Dunkin' Donuts. Pay $100,000 to replace wall that had to be knocked down.

Spin two 4s, you attempt to see if you're fat enough to be bulletproof. You are. Pay $50,000 to have bullets removed to prevent lead poisoning.

If player lands on "Honeymoon" spot, plummet through floor while having sex. Pay all money for wrongful death suit filed by the family of the couple sleeping below.

If buying a house, add $25,000 to widen all doors.

Account, Tech Support, Teacher, and Artist all add 25% to their salary. Fat people are good at those jobs.

Since everyone weighs so much, for every person a player has in the car they must subtract 1 from the number spun. Negative numbers move the car backwards.

You Might Be An Asshole If...

You have a "I love my dog breed" bumper sticker on the back of your car. Extra points if you have it next to another sticker about your honor student and you're driving a Volvo.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Vin Diesel Fact of the Week

Vin Diesel was once run through the Tevatron. The result of the atoms hitting his pectoral muscles were directly responsible for the theory of the Higgs Boson.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Vin Diesel Fact of the Week

Vin Diesel's saliva is composed of 65% YooHoo, 25% formic acid, and 15% pure testosterone. When told that this added up to more than 100%, he went back in time. UPDATE: Where he became his own great, great grandfather.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

You Might Be An Asshole If...

You have ever discussed Italian Neo-Realism outside of a film class. Bonus points if you said that you liked it with a straight face.

Vin Diesel Fact of the Week

Vin Diesel and Lou Ferrigno once had an arm wrestling match. It was a draw, but their hands bonded so strongly as to require eight hours of surgery to separate. Afterward, Vin and Lou ate the surgeon.

Angelina Jolie Fact of the Week

Because her upper lip blocks her nasal passages, Angelina has actually evolved to absorb oxygen through her skin.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Thursday, February 25, 2010

The Game of Life Rules of the Week

Puerto Rican Rules: Every third spin, have a child. Spin to determine sex. If odds, you have a boy, if evens, a girl. If you spin a 9 or a 10, have twins.

No players can go to college. Everyone drops out of high school and starts a career immediately. Players must spin to determine who goes first. Only available salary cards are 20, 30, and 40,000. Remaining players must get a job at Wal*Mart for $15,000 on Pay Day. Wal*Mart employees get a 10% discount on every square and get $1,000 per child on payday from welfare.

No players can buy houses. Everyone must live out of their car.

No players can buy stock.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

You Might Be an Asshole if...

You wear sunglasses on the back of your head. Bonus points for having a pair on the front, as well.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Vin Diesel Fact of the Week

Vin Diesel can make a sound like a conga drum when flexing his pectoral muscles.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Angelina Jolie Fact of the Week

Angelina always orders her hamburgers char-broiled. As she chews, the collisions between her lips create hundreds of small diamonds which she leaves as a tip.

Now in Haiku form!

She eats burgers black

Her lips create diamonds

She leaves them as tips

Friday, February 19, 2010

Game of Life Rules of the Week

Mexican Rules: Everyone starts the game running across the border with eight people in their car.

No players can get careers or get salary cards. Every pay day, they must spin to determine how much money they made doing odd jobs. Spin x 5,000.

When the player lands on the "Buy a House" square, they randomly pick a house to determine for which one they will be doing landscaping work. The player receives 1% of the value of the house on every pay day.

One player must play an INS agent. If player lands on same spot as another player, the other player gets deported, they can lose two turns running back across the border, or lose no turns by paying $15,000 to a coyote to get back into the country.

If a player spins a 10, they get pulled over for speeding. They can bribe the cop for $10,000 and be set free. If they don't bribe him they must spin again do determine if they get caught. Odds they get caught, evens they're set free. If caught, they're sent back to Mexico and can again lose two turns or pay a coyote.

Vin Diesel Fact of the Week

Vin Diesel was born from an 800 year-old egg laid by Genghis Khan.

You Might Be an Asshole If...

You have ever used finger guns. Bonus points for doing it while winking. If you were also bobbing your head slightly to the left and right, you should be shot.

Angelina Jolie Fact of the Week

After consummation of the sex act, Angelina devours her mate.