Sunday, April 11, 2010

The Game of Life Rules of the Week

Obese rules: Spin a 10, have a heart attack, pay $10,000 in medical bills. Spin two tens in a row, die, player must leave game.

If and when a player reaches the end they must spin to determine late-life health issues.

1: Peripheral edema. Pay $10,000 for wheelchair and $50,000 in medical bills.
2: Kidney Failure. Pay $100,000 for dialysis.
3: Go blind. Pay $25,000 for seeing-eye dog.
4: Chronic gas. Family and friends abandon you. Pay $30,000 for antidepressants.
5: Knees give out. Pay $10,000 for physical therapy and $50,000 for surgery.
6: Get a bit over-zealous at the dinner table. Pay $75,000 to have bowl of wax fruit excised from throat.
7: Chronic diarrhea. Pay $25,000 for industrial strength Imodium AD.
8: Diabetic Blindness. Pay $150,000 to fix the walls you keep walking through.
9: Pay $350,000 to have three dead cats, two chairs, a futon, two microwaves, 214 pounds of uneaten Elios Pizza, your nephew, a 1981 Toyota, 13 shoes, a toothbrush, $418.86 in coins, someone you've never met, and a fully functioning McDonalds removed from your fat rolls.
10: Heart explodes. Player wills everything to other players.

Spin two 9s, suffer a diabetes-related drop in blood sugar, pay $50,000 in medical bills.

Spin an 8, hire a personal trainer, pay $5,000. Spin two 8's in a row, over-exert yourself and suffer a massive heart attack. Lose next turn as you recuperate and pay $50,000 in medical bills. Player can opt to sue the personal trainer for medical bills plus $50,000 in emotional distress. Spin odds to win lawsuit. If evens, pay $10,000 in legal fees.

Spin two 7s, get stuck in own car, pay Police $50,000 to be set free.

Spin two 6s, crush couch under extreme girth. Pay $50,000 to have couch fragments surgically removed from asshole.

Spin two 5s, get stuck in doorway to Dunkin' Donuts. Pay $100,000 to replace wall that had to be knocked down.

Spin two 4s, you attempt to see if you're fat enough to be bulletproof. You are. Pay $50,000 to have bullets removed to prevent lead poisoning.

If player lands on "Honeymoon" spot, plummet through floor while having sex. Pay all money for wrongful death suit filed by the family of the couple sleeping below.

If buying a house, add $25,000 to widen all doors.

Account, Tech Support, Teacher, and Artist all add 25% to their salary. Fat people are good at those jobs.

Since everyone weighs so much, for every person a player has in the car they must subtract 1 from the number spun. Negative numbers move the car backwards.

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