Reason You May Be an Asshole

The song 'Ebony & Ivory' was a powerfully moving experience for you.

Vin Diesel Fact of the Week

Most people eat vegetables to get fiber. Vin Diesel eats vegetarians.

Angelina Jolie Fact of the Week

Angelina Jolie has successfully invaded and occupied France on three occasions.

Vin Diesel Fact of the Week

By flexing his muscles very hard, Vin Diesel is able to bend light around him, thus rendering himself invisible.

Reason You May Be an Asshole

During the summer, you have a Chem-Lawn truck in front of your house more than zero times.

Angelina Jolie Fact of the Week

Angelina's sweat, tears, blood, hair, and farts have all been canned and sold as aphrodisiacs.

Vin Diesel Fact of the Week

The shine on Vin Diesel's head is possible thanks to frequent uses of a bowling ball polisher.

Angelina Jolie Fact of the Week

The noise Angelina makes to display interest in a possible mate was recorded for the pterodactyls in Jurassic Park III.

The Game of Life Rules of the Week

Obese rules: Spin a 10, have a heart attack, pay $10,000 in medical bills. Spin two tens in a row, die, player must leave game.

If and when a player reaches the end they must spin to determine late-life health issues.

1: Peripheral edema. Pay $10,000 for wheelchair and $50,000 in medical bills.
2: Kidney Failure. Pay $100,000 for dialysis.
3: Go blind. Pay $25,000 for seeing-eye dog.
4: Chronic gas. Family and friends abandon you. Pay $30,000 for antidepressants.
5: Knees give out. Pay $10,000 for physical therapy and $50,000 for surgery.
6: Get a bit over-zealous at the dinner table. Pay $75,000 to have bowl of wax fruit excised from throat.
7: Chronic diarrhea. Pay $25,000 for industrial strength Imodium AD.
8: Diabetic Blindness. Pay $150,000 to fix the walls you keep walking through.
9: Pay $350,000 to have three dead cats, two chairs, a futon, two microwaves, 214 pounds of uneaten Elios Pizza, your nephew, a 1981 Toyota, 13 shoes, a toothbrush, $418.86 in coins, someone you've never met, and a fully functioning McDonalds removed from your fat rolls.
10: Heart explodes. Player wills everything to other players.

Spin two 9s, suffer a diabetes-related drop in blood sugar, pay $50,000 in medical bills.

Spin an 8, hire a personal trainer, pay $5,000. Spin two 8's in a row, over-exert yourself and suffer a massive heart attack. Lose next turn as you recuperate and pay $50,000 in medical bills. Player can opt to sue the personal trainer for medical bills plus $50,000 in emotional distress. Spin odds to win lawsuit. If evens, pay $10,000 in legal fees.

Spin two 7s, get stuck in own car, pay Police $50,000 to be set free.

Spin two 6s, crush couch under extreme girth. Pay $50,000 to have couch fragments surgically removed from asshole.

Spin two 5s, get stuck in doorway to Dunkin' Donuts. Pay $100,000 to replace wall that had to be knocked down.

Spin two 4s, you attempt to see if you're fat enough to be bulletproof. You are. Pay $50,000 to have bullets removed to prevent lead poisoning.

If player lands on "Honeymoon" spot, plummet through floor while having sex. Pay all money for wrongful death suit filed by the family of the couple sleeping below.

If buying a house, add $25,000 to widen all doors.

Account, Tech Support, Teacher, and Artist all add 25% to their salary. Fat people are good at those jobs.

Since everyone weighs so much, for every person a player has in the car they must subtract 1 from the number spun. Negative numbers move the car backwards.

You Might Be An Asshole If...

You have a "I love my dog breed" bumper sticker on the back of your car. Extra points if you have it next to another sticker about your honor student and you're driving a Volvo.

Angelina Jolie Fact of the Week

Angelina receives a Thigh Master on every holiday. She keeps breaking them.

Vin Diesel Fact of the Week

Vin Diesel was once run through the Tevatron. The result of the atoms hitting his pectoral muscles were directly responsible for the theory of the Higgs Boson.

You Might Be an Asshole if...

Saying your order at Starbucks takes longer than making it.