New (Better) Rules to The Game of LIFE

I like to write funny rules to The Game of LIFE, but during a recent game where one person (who shall remain unnamed) kept getting everything, I realized that the official rules do not scale well for fewer than four people, and make certain decisions in the game (like buying a house or going to college) pointless.

Perhaps I'm thinking about this too much, and the point of the game is not to "win," but simply enjoy the experience. Well, Homey don't play dat. I want to fucking win. So I set out making a ruleset that actually makes the various decisions in the game more than pointless. There can actually be some strategy involved.

Any rules not mentioned stand as they are in the standard game rules.

Starting the game:

If you choose to go to college, take out your $100,000 loan. You get a LIFE tile for going to college. College is an experience, afterall.

If you do not choose to go to college, salary cards are affected. The $20k and $30k cards remain unaffected, but the others are changed thusly:

• $40k becomes $35k and taxes becomes $10,000
• $50k becomes $45k and taxes becomes $15,000
• $60k becomes $55k and taxes becomes $20,000
• $70k becomes $60k and taxes becomes $20,000
• $80k becomes $70k and taxes becomes $25,000
• $90k becomes $80k and taxes becomes $30,000
• $100k becomes $85k and taxes becomes $30,000

The point of this balance is that the tax-reduction is greater than the income reduction, adding value to not going to college and getting the higher pay grade.

Starting a career:

Select your career as stated in the instructions. If you go to college, you get to draw four cards instead of three.

Doctor: Whenever a player lands on the same square as another player, collect $5,000 to treat accident injuries. If anyone sneezes or coughs during gameplay, collect $10,000 from the bank to treat Chinese flu pandemic.

Accountant: Whenever money changes hands between players, the accountant receives 10%. They must keep track of their earnings on a pad.

Marrying:

Any two players may choose to marry one another and combine their pieces into a single car. They receive a credit of $5,000 and $10,000 off their taxes. They combine their income and benefits and must only pay a single rent or house.

At any point, players may divorce. They split money and LIFE tiles in half. If they have children they must spin to determine child placement. Whoever gets the children earns $5,000 per pay day in child support from the other player. The higher earner must also pay alimony of $5,000 per pay day.

If the divorced players land on the same square, they have a fling for old time's sake that they both regret.

At the end of the game, everyone gets divorced because happiness is elusive. Either one of the divorcing couple spins to determine how much they get in the settlement. Spin times 10 determines the percentage. Whoever is on the losing end keeps any house and all life tiles.

Buying a house:

If a player chooses to not buy a house, they must start paying $1000 rent per turn.

This eliminates the fact that only an idiot would buy a house in the official rules. The average player finishes the game in 15-20 turns, meaning that the player would pay $15-$20k in rent, while buying a house has a low likelihood of losing money, but a high likelihood of landing on "damage" squares that would make insurance, which costs $10,000, advisable

Buying/Selling stock:

You can buy stock at the beginning of any turn. Likewise, at the beginning of any turn, you can sell your stock. Spin to determine its value. If you spin a 10, receive $100,000. 9, receive $50,000. 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, or 8, receive $10,000. 1 or 2, receive $5,000.

At retirement, if you still have stock, you can decide to either sell it or hold on to it. Either decision is permanent. If you sell your stock, you do not receive money for other player's spins. If you do not sell your stock, you cannot sell it. If you decide to sell, spin to determine value. 1-4 pays $30,000. 5-8 pays $50,000. 9 or 10 pays $70,000.

Retiring:

At the end of the game, a player must choose between Millionaire Estates or Countryside Acres. When the player's turn arrives, they must spin to determine how much their 401k earned them at Acres, or their Hedge Fund account earned at Estates. Obviously, a Hedge Fund is higher reward, but also higher risk.

Millionaire Estates: 9 or 10 earns $100,000. 6, 7, or 8 earns $50,000. 3, 4, or 5 earns $10,000. 1 or 2 loses $60,000. Your LIFE tiles are not safe here.

Countryside Acres: 9 or 10 earns $20,000. 6, 7, or 8 earns $10,000. 2, 3, 4, 5 earns $5,000. 1 earns nothing.

The Game of LIFE Rules Of The Week

Assassins:

One player is the game manager. This person does not play.

All other players are assassins. They are living in suburbia as cover. On any turn, before spinning to move, they can spin to determine if they either try to kill or defend against a killing from another player.

On every turn, a player turns in a piece of paper saying what they want to do on that turn. This is kept secret from everyone but the game manager. If they choose to try to kill another player, they must spin. Evens, they fail to kill the other player, odds, they successfully kill the other player.

If they choose to defend themselves, evens means they fail and can still die if attacked, odds means they succeeded and cannot be killed on that turn.

If a player is killed, on every turn they must spin to determine if they reveal themselves to have never been dead, but merely lying low. If they spin a 9 or 10, they come back to life. Otherwise, they wait.

After coming back to life, they can place themselves at any point on the board between the other players, but do not receive whatever is on their square. They are given the opportunity to revenge kill the person who killed them. If they spin an 7, 8, 9, or 10, they successfully revenge kill. A revenge kill cannot be blocked nor can it be re-revenged.

If two players land on the same square, they must have a knife fight. They spin to determine who wins. The losing player loses their next turn, including their ability to defend or kill.

Children are not actually children, but tiny assassins hired to masquerade as children. Before any spin, a player may place their child assassins anywhere on the board. If a player lands on the spot with the tiny assassin, they are automatically killed. Players may continue to place their tiny assassins on the board even while they are "dead."

At the end of the game, players count up their money. The player with the most money moves to Millionaire Acres, which is a reinforced compound. The other players must go to Countryside Estates and fight.

Players spin. The highest spinner can deliver a knife strike to another player. All players have five hit-points. Players can spin to block a hit, if they spin an 8, 9, or 10, they block the strike. If they fail, they lose two hit-points.

The final surviving player must then fight the final boss: the player with the most money. The final boss has all five hit points, while the attacking player has however many they had after the knife fight. The attacking player spins to determine if they achieve a surprise attack. 7, 8, 9, or 10 delivers two hit points damage. The fight then continues ordinarily.

The surviving player is the winner.

The Game of Life Rules of the Week

Happy Homo Rules:

Every player must marry the same sex. Every player must pay $10,000 to travel to Massachusetts to get married. All players must be dressed in bondage gear.

If a player lands on a "Have a Child" square, they must kidnap a homeless, teenage surrogate parent of the opposite sex with which to sire the child. That surrogate is treated as two children at all child-related squares.

If a player spins a ten, they get caught tapping their shoes in an airport bathroom and become embroiled in a national controversy. Lose a turn.

The Game of Life Rules of the Week

Mormon Rules: Everyone must be a man.

Before the game starts, all players must go out and harass all of their neighbors for an hour. It's a game, so you can do anything, just so long as it annoys them and causes them to pretend like they're not home.

When a player lands on the "Get Married" square, they must marry at least 2 wives. The marrying player receives $100,000 in gifts for every wife he marries.

If a player lands on a "Have a Child" square, the player will have that number of children with each of their wives.

If the game runs out of pegs for children, start using Jujubes.

If a player spins a 10, they suffer religious prejudice and are thrown in jail for three turns. It's helpful to have a Monopoly board for this.

Game of Life Rules of the Week

White Rules:

Gangsta Rap must be played during the game at all times, since only rich white kids seem to be listening to it.

Every spin, you have to pay the lowest bidder to spin for you, since white people can't do anything. Other players will bid to spin. ANYTHING can be bid.

Every player must go to college, but must spin evens or odds after their spin to determine if they move forwards or backwards, since white kids never get it right the first time. (If stuck in college for more than fifteen turns, Daddy buys you out and you auto-graduate with a C-average.)

Every player must select three house cards at random and select the most expensive house they get, even if they have to take out loans for it, because white people utterly, desperately, absolutely need the biggest house that they can get.

If any player is a minority, white players must never be within three squares of his or her car, since white people are afraid of anyone who doesn't look like them. The minority player also becomes the landscaper, nanny, and spinner for any white players.

The minority player is paid 1% of the value of white people's houses on every pay day by the white players. The minority player is paid $100 per child from all white players. The minority player must be paid 10$ times the spin number.

The minority player cannot take out loans, but can choose to go to college at any point in the game and then return to their previous spot.

If everyone is a minority, either choose based on the group (i.e. if someone is white in a group of blacks, the white plays the minority) or randomly select a minority based on spin.

All white players must talk shit about someone when he/she is in the bathroom.

The Game of Life Rules of the Week

Jewish Rules: All loans are interest free and only pay 50% of taxes, since Jews own all the banks.

All players must go to college. All players must take out a loan and buy stock at the beginning of the game because parents say it's a good investment.

Car insurance costs $50,000 because everyone is driving a Mercedes. All car related incidents cost 2x.

No one can be an artist, athlete or entertainer because only meshugines become those.

Spin a 10 and player gets sinus infection in giant nose, pay $5,000 in medical bills.

The Game of Life Rules of the Week

Obese rules: Spin a 10, have a heart attack, pay $10,000 in medical bills. Spin two tens in a row, die, player must leave game.

If and when a player reaches the end they must spin to determine late-life health issues.

1: Peripheral edema. Pay $10,000 for wheelchair and $50,000 in medical bills.
2: Kidney Failure. Pay $100,000 for dialysis.
3: Go blind. Pay $25,000 for seeing-eye dog.
4: Chronic gas. Family and friends abandon you. Pay $30,000 for antidepressants.
5: Knees give out. Pay $10,000 for physical therapy and $50,000 for surgery.
6: Get a bit over-zealous at the dinner table. Pay $75,000 to have bowl of wax fruit excised from throat.
7: Chronic diarrhea. Pay $25,000 for industrial strength Imodium AD.
8: Diabetic Blindness. Pay $150,000 to fix the walls you keep walking through.
9: Pay $350,000 to have three dead cats, two chairs, a futon, two microwaves, 214 pounds of uneaten Elios Pizza, your nephew, a 1981 Toyota, 13 shoes, a toothbrush, $418.86 in coins, someone you've never met, and a fully functioning McDonalds removed from your fat rolls.
10: Heart explodes. Player wills everything to other players.

Spin two 9s, suffer a diabetes-related drop in blood sugar, pay $50,000 in medical bills.

Spin an 8, hire a personal trainer, pay $5,000. Spin two 8's in a row, over-exert yourself and suffer a massive heart attack. Lose next turn as you recuperate and pay $50,000 in medical bills. Player can opt to sue the personal trainer for medical bills plus $50,000 in emotional distress. Spin odds to win lawsuit. If evens, pay $10,000 in legal fees.

Spin two 7s, get stuck in own car, pay Police $50,000 to be set free.

Spin two 6s, crush couch under extreme girth. Pay $50,000 to have couch fragments surgically removed from asshole.

Spin two 5s, get stuck in doorway to Dunkin' Donuts. Pay $100,000 to replace wall that had to be knocked down.

Spin two 4s, you attempt to see if you're fat enough to be bulletproof. You are. Pay $50,000 to have bullets removed to prevent lead poisoning.

If player lands on "Honeymoon" spot, plummet through floor while having sex. Pay all money for wrongful death suit filed by the family of the couple sleeping below.

If buying a house, add $25,000 to widen all doors.

Account, Tech Support, Teacher, and Artist all add 25% to their salary. Fat people are good at those jobs.

Since everyone weighs so much, for every person a player has in the car they must subtract 1 from the number spun. Negative numbers move the car backwards.

The Game of Life Rules of the Week

Puerto Rican Rules: Every third spin, have a child. Spin to determine sex. If odds, you have a boy, if evens, a girl. If you spin a 9 or a 10, have twins.

No players can go to college. Everyone drops out of high school and starts a career immediately. Players must spin to determine who goes first. Only available salary cards are 20, 30, and 40,000. Remaining players must get a job at Wal*Mart for $15,000 on Pay Day. Wal*Mart employees get a 10% discount on every square and get $1,000 per child on payday from welfare.

No players can buy houses. Everyone must live out of their car.

No players can buy stock.

Game of Life Rules of the Week

Mexican Rules: Everyone starts the game running across the border with eight people in their car.

No players can get careers or get salary cards. Every pay day, they must spin to determine how much money they made doing odd jobs. Spin x 5,000.

When the player lands on the "Buy a House" square, they randomly pick a house to determine for which one they will be doing landscaping work. The player receives 1% of the value of the house on every pay day.

One player must play an INS agent. If player lands on same spot as another player, the other player gets deported, they can lose two turns running back across the border, or lose no turns by paying $15,000 to a coyote to get back into the country.

If a player spins a 10, they get pulled over for speeding. They can bribe the cop for $10,000 and be set free. If they don't bribe him they must spin again do determine if they get caught. Odds they get caught, evens they're set free. If caught, they're sent back to Mexico and can again lose two turns or pay a coyote.